the garden of light

I was practicing for the upcoming performance of “The Cycle of Life” (Isbourne Foundation, Cheltenham Nov 11th) today and in the midst of it a new poem made it’s way:
The garden of light
is forever flowering
in a myriad of forms
this is the dream
the worlds are rushing through
and all the madness and beauty is
the one who speaks
the brightest flower
has no shape but all
and these futile words are made
to pour nectar into the flow of life
into the heart-broken heart of love
that shines it all
suffers it all
nurtures it all
destroys it all
as is
wake up Beloved
wake up
as the garden of light forever flowering in its myriad of forms

the golden ring

photo 14I was doing some filming the other day in Randwick Woods in the last flowering blue bells of this spring.  I took my golden ring off and put it in my bag. My golden ring was bought in 2003 after I became a devotee of Adi Da Samraj and very valuable in all possible ways. It was a symbol for my deep love and commitment to Adi Da Samraj, it always felt like a chosen ‘marriage’ to the Divine.

This day I lost the ring, I had put it into the same pocket as my car keys, and must have accidentally pulled it out with the keys without noticing when I got back to my car with the equipment… for some reason I had a feeling for a while that I wasn’t meant to wear it anymore… but the message hadn’t quite sunk in yet.

So when I couldn’t find it when I got home, I felt I was meant to lose it. I looked for it but couldn’t find it. I was mainly sad because I wanted to pass this significant and very personal piece of jewelry onto my son when I died and I have often spoken to him about that.

My idea was when I physically died… but in some ways I have been through a process of dying…including the  dying of the identification with the relationship to my Spiritual Master as ‘an other’ to relate to in Love. I can not see any separation anymore… now there is only Love, only One.

I sung a song “please dear ring find your way back to my son, find your way back to my son as you belong to him, you belong to him…”

On a practical level I put a sign up by the parking space at the woods with my phone number.

The next day I was ecstatic.

I  created this image called “Happiness Is” and wrote the following poem:

photo 13

the ring of
truth

has no shape

I am home right there, right here, right everywhere, and nowhere too

the ring of gold

was only on loan

for as long as the form of a dearest Beloved was needed

to pull away the clouds of apparent I from the infinite mystery of being
the beyond in all has come to take this body

the beyond in all has come to be what is

the unknowable is here, is me, meets itself again

in the subtlest hello of a meeting that never happened in time and space
the fingers bare

not adorned by any shape of gold anymore

no knowledge to where the gold is lost

just the knowledge it hasn’t been taken from anyone, as there is no-one
I owed my Beloved everything

He has always already owned me.bluebell wood

I offered Him everything

and He has taken

it…

I am swallowed

eaten

dying
widely and wildly alive

into timeless, nameless unknowable reality

 

The following day after writing this poem I received a text message:

I have  found a ring… please call this number. It was that very golden ring…

and guess what… new video to follow…xxx

 

very funny rehearsal

Our last rehearsal for “The Cycle of Life” was hilarious, we had a lot of reasons to laugh and giggle. About everything went wrong that can go wrong…I tripped over the tripod legs, stood on my skirt, forgot my lines, had the pictures piled up in the wrong order and felt altogether very different…

interestingly enough… when Lindsay and I watched the footage we were amazed…the way sound, singing, movement, images and poetry flowed into each other was phenomenal. There was a new transparency and delicacy we both entered into…

Cycle of Life .jpg

We were rehearsing the second part… which tends to blow me away every time when I sit down to learn the script to such a degree, that I just get lost in silent contemplation…

This is not like conventional rehearsing…it’s a very living process:

Self Portrait

an image of the Mystery of Light

Self Portrait

the paradox of transformation

in no space timeless oneness of all there is

can you draw my face

upcoming performances: Site Festival Stroud April 2016, details and tickets here

Dolores the Buddha rabbit

Dolores died a couple of days ago. she died the most sudden unexpected death. She was approximately six years old. Being totally her usual self, she suddenly fell on her side, had some sort of seizure, screamed twice and left the body…it took about five seconds. And she was already as good as gone when I placed my hands on her. All the warning I had was a funny feeling for a few days… so I was observing her lots for any indication of disease. But she was happy and eating… I always had an intuition that she would leave before her partner Richard and images would come into my head about what she would look like dead and how sad I would be when she died.  And there was an incidence the day before where I suddenly thanked her for everything and told her how much I loved her.

Today I want to write about her, because it pains me to see how we humans so often treat animals as if they had no rights, no feelings, and didn’t matter. As if they were just a commercial product like a plant pot.

In the photo below you see Richard saying good-bye to his love. It is my impression that in fact animals feel more. They feel more deeply than people as they do not have shields of thought and protections of presumption to stop them from feeling. Animals are so healing to people as they are deep, they are contemplatives, they can connect us with who we really are. It took Richard at least twelve hours of coming to terms with Dolores dying until he was ready to go to her and express his love and sadness.

photo

Dolores came from a rescue center and was a teacher for all of us. She taught our domineering and fearful rabbit Richard that love is bigger, she taught me that love is bigger. She taught me that love is always bigger than fear. Love is always bigger than anger… She had an amazing stillness about her and presence. That’s why I called her Buddha Dolores sometimes. She always accepted any circumstance with ease and equanimity. She just spread peace. She was kind. she didn’t seem to have an awful lot of reason to be in a body apart form teaching everyone around her the rules of love and stillness, may be she had done what she had come for, and hence left so swiftly… slipping with ease into the other world she always had a strong connection with anyway.

P1160399

Her big love will always be in my heart.

Thank you Dolores for everything, you were a real gift and blessing in our lives.

And what is her last lesson: the inconsolability of the heart. We can not hold onto anything. We can not keep anything, that means something to us. We can only treasure the beings we love and care for them with the broken heart of knowing that there is no way we can stop them from leaving whenever they will… they will leave and we will too.

There is no point in consolidating into the idea of a separate entity, which ultimately only looses and is made extinct…

Only in the oneness of all there is Love begins to truly make sense…and is free.

Beyond space and time Dolores has always been, is always and will always be.

And this is the essence of all.

 

new years resolution

Happy New Year to all of you…                                      dance pic
In reflection on what we call a year that passed I have had an incredibly exciting and turbulent time…the year started with me hopping around in a dance studio on my own…only knowing one thing… I want to dance… I want to communicate beauty, I want to communicate depth and love and profundity…through art…
the year brought a very inspiring man into my life from whom I learned a lot about love…
it also brought the work and performances with Girish Patel I am really grateful for, it brought the inspiring collaborations with Simon Howell, it brought the fantastic opportunity to exhibit and perform in Sheffield and to work with Aidan Pinsent and all of these occurrences expanded my vision of where the new year can go…
altogether I learned an awful lot about love…. and my own limits…and the more the art I created incarnated and the more people reflected back to me the depth and beauty they saw in it… the more I felt like a total fake…. people fell not short of seeing something really beautiful… but my personal life was not yet lived on the same level…
I just could not yet fully see my own patterning and my fear of love in personal terms.
It could not go on like this….What I incarnate in my work had to begin to infiltrate all areas of my life….the one was informing the other….
finally the penny dropped…I had no difficulty to really nurture and love and be one with the everyone of an audience…. but pardoxically…would I allow myself to be included as soon as I walked away from the images, the poems, the movements and the people who watched me?
No. I still deep down held onto a pattern of being glamorously, uniquely, outstandingly and unimaginable undeserving of Love. Hello Narcissus!
A desperate attempt to hold onto the feeling of separateness. Just understanding a pattern intellectually is just not the same as really understanding it in the bodily being. Only then unconditional love will be allowed to outshine the old…. and brighten a new way of being… free to love…..to be love and to receive love….anywhere, everywhere and in all circumstances of life…
that’s my New Year’s Resolution….
xxx